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How To Be Scene

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Well, this is something I wrote for the April Fool's edition of my school paper in April. But I never turned it in, because I figured it was a little too...well, I just don't think the common public (not to mention my friends) would take it very well. So I figure I'd share with all of you, despite having touched most of these subjects at some point or another anyway. It's pretty much a blog article, links all over the place, name dropping every chance I have...even though you probably all know how to be scene (since you are reading this) and are knowledgabler (um) than me.

How to be Scene

You see them everyday. The kids with bangs over their eyes, tight shirts and tight pants; the kids rebelling against everything with their bright hair and eyeliner and shiny metal; the kids with the bags and the shirts bearing names of bands you’ve never heard of. The scene kids. And sometimes you wonder how they did it, and wonder if you might be one of them if you knew all their secrets. Well, now, with this handy dandy guide, you can!

First thing you must do is to pick a scene. There are a lot out there, sub groups, scenes build upon other scenes…we’ll only discuss the three most popular ones at the moment--emo, punk and indie. You can either listen to all three types of music and learn about the life style and decide which one sound more like you, randomly pick one and conform, or, of course, visit a site like Quizilla and see which scene you belong.

Here’s a few pointers that’ll work in all of the scenes. Never listen to music outside your scene. Go to as many shows as you can, but never refer to them as concerts. Concerts scream poser (and that’s the worst offense in any scene), shows state scene. Dress accordingly, act accordingly, and always follow the guidelines for your scene. Originality might be nice, but to be cool you must fit in.

Biggest scene right now is the emo kids, and thankfully, there are already a million websites, blogs and quizzes that are dedicated to how to be emo, so search it up on Google. You can find information ranging from dress code to behavior. If you want to be even cooler, go to a website like What The Heck *Is* Emo Anyways, which has a detailed history and definition of emo music, and listen to the original emo bands like Rites of Spring or Fugazi. Then you can call the poor lost souls who listen to Dashboard Confessional posers and grab waves of attention and respect. After which you can merge into one of the other scenes, because emo is no longer cool enough for you.

Next you have the punk scene. This requires you to be bold and rebellious. You cannot be a Republican, and you have to hate all authority. Claim to be an anarchist. Listen to the following bands: NoFX, Rancid, The Casualties, The Misfits, and many others. Buy patches of those bands and pin them all over your jacket or backpack. Also buy metal studs and safety pins and stick them everywhere. DIY is so punk rock. Make fun of anyone who listens to pop punk or emo, even though you secretly love it. Never, never admit that you shop in Hot Topic. Say you brought all your clothes and patches at shows, or at a cool website like Interpunk. Say “oi" a lot. Also use the F-word whenever possible to show your punk rockness.

Lastly you have the choice of being indie. This requires you to either be very patient and knowledgeable, or an extremely good liar/bluffer. Obscurity is your friend. Only listen to bands that are on indie labels, and bonus points if the band’s from another country. Familiarize yourself with the history of indie and learn all the sub-genres. Determine when a band “sells out.” When a band crosses into mainstream, they’re no longer cool. Scoff at any other type of music. Wear your strange shirts with pride. If you’re really out of options and need to make up a band, be really careful, as the Internet can be a weapon as well as a lifesaver. Even the indiest bands usually have a website or two reviewing their CDs. And even though obscurity is the game, unsigned bands aren’t cool.

There you have it, all you need to be the coolest kid in your school. Now, as with everything, don’t overdo it. And also, you’ll probably screw up everything you’ve achieved if you breathe a word of reading a guide. So don’t let anyone know how you got your information. When someone asks, tell them that you’re just that cool naturally. You ready? Go out there and show the world the cool, new, scene, you.

Your scene music needs:
The Casualties-On The Front Line (This band lables themself as "hardcore punk rock." Consider yourself warned)
Dashboard Confessional-Vindicated Video Low Quality
Dashboard Confessional-Vindicated Video High Quality
Yo La Tengo-Today Is the Day

Spoon-I Turn My Camera On (Spoon's new album, Gimme Fiction, comes out tomorrow, so head over to your local record shop and pick up a copy)



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